


Whole Again

by Anonymous



Category: due South
Genre: Identity Issues, Masturbation, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 03:48:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3881116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometime Post MotB, Kowalski takes himself in hand to feel like himself again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whole Again

He’s wearing another man’s name. Ray can feel it etched upon his skin, every inch of it covered in Vecchio’s name. It matters to him, hearing the name roll off his partner’s tongue. It starts off well. “This is my partner Ray,” but then it ends up reminding him that Fraser’s thoughts are with another man. It’s the most painful when he sees the way his sister looks at him sometimes. Like she’s hungry, and doesn’t care that he’s supposed to be her brother. All she can see is flesh, a maleness that might be more easily swayed than the stalwart, upstanding Mountie. The Mountie who fell for one of his assignments, buried in snow, awaiting death. A man so moved by the experiences that he nearly let her go. He nearly followed her again after she framed him for robbery. But in a split second, the man whose name Ray bears shot the Mountie.

 

It’s strange to think, that he has that on his record now. Discharge of a weapon and injuring a fellow officer. His partner. The man who had saved him on occasions, and who he risked his life for. Ray knows that man, every part of that man is honest, and yet he would rather leave with a woman who would ruin him than stay with the man Ray is supposed to be.

 

He knows it’s wrong to think of those two. That it makes him feel an itch, one he doesn’t scratch. It was difficult for Fraser to adjust to this new partnership. He’d been so close to Vecchio. Ray wonders how close, and the thought of Fraser’s lips pressed to his, pressed to Vecchio’s flashed in his mind. Something stirs, low in his stomach, he’s not sure if it’s jealousy or desire. It burns in his gut for a few moments and he feels it soar, definitely desire, tinged with shame.

 

A hand comes to his face, it traces his lips, where Fraser’s forced his open. Where he could almost feel the tip of Fraser’s tongue. A finger dips into his mouth, and he dabs his tongue against it, trying to think of all the times he saw Fraser lick something, pink tongue swirling. His other hand is suddenly on his belt, struggling to get it open, to get it free from his pants.

 

He feels his breath come in halting gasps, as he slips one hand under his pants and past his boxers, feeling the heat there. His damp finger slides across his length and he leans his head back against his chair. The other hand struggles with his button, the fly, and is pushing all of it down as he tries to access himself better. A groan passes his lips as his hand is freed from his boxers, and another as the phone rings behind him. He gives a lazy parting stroke, before pressing the phone to his ear. “Vecchio.” It feels wrong on his tongue, weighed down by lies.

 

“Ray.” Damn, it had to be him of all people. “Ray, you seemed tense when we parted, and I wanted to make sure that we were okay… Ray are you there?”

 

“I’m here Benny. We’re… okay.” There’s a long pause on the other end of the line.

 

“You don’t call me that. Are you sure we’re in good standing?” Ray chuckles to himself, looking down to the growing evidence of their good standing.

 

“I guess I was trying to live up to my namesake… Fraser, don’t read into it too much.” He can almost hear him frowning over the phone line. It’s obscene, how much part of him likes imagining those lips turned downwards. “Is that all Fraser?” A pressing need to feel, to touch, even as he still speaks to him is nearly overwhelming, but that is crossing a line he doesn’t want to brush past. His hand sits on his upper thigh, just close enough.

 

“Ray. You are your own man. You can do what you want to do, be what you want to be. Love how you want to love.” Benton’s voice breaks off from speaking and Ray can feel his breathing becoming difficult.

 

“I, I can’t Fraser. I wish you would understand that.” He doesn’t know, he can’t know how Ray feels. “I’m Vecchio.”

 

“I understand.” His voice sounds far away, and disappointed. “Kowa—”

 

“No. You can’t.” They can’t say his name, not now, not over something as easy to overhear as a phone line. He scrubs at his eyes with his free hand before setting it on his lap, forgetting momentarily what he had been doing before. His thumb brushes against the base of his shaft, and he makes a noise of contentment into the phoneline.

 

“Ray?” He feels heady, hearing Fraser’s voice like that. “Ray are you alright?”

 

“Fine. Are we done?” His need is growing stronger, and he knows he will succumb to it soon.

 

“I guess we are. Sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.” Ray sets the phone back behind him, letting his hand grasp the base of his erection before giving a few pumps.

 

“Gods Fraser.” He mutters to himself, head back, legs apart, as he tries to make himself feel whole again. Ray wants to wash the traces of Vecchio’s name off of himself, rid himself of a name that doesn’t fit. Rid himself of a family that isn’t his. To be reborn in his own body with the right name.

 

Later he comes with a gentle sigh, taking in the the feeling of being himself again, he hears something behind him. A dialtone comes from the phone, not properly cradled, and he truly hopes that Fraser hung up a long time ago.


End file.
